Spitfire's True Porno Boy Stories

Jay is the bartender on Saturday afternoons at Kenny's Castaway. An educated guy and multi-lingual (French, German, Flemish) despite being an American by birth (how many Americans you know who speak Flemish?), Jay was brought up in Switzerland by his older sister and her husband. Jay is also a very funny guy, and occasionally does stand-up around the city and in Jersey.

I was introduced to Jay by Porno Boy, who about eight or nine years back struck up an acquaintance with him. We used to go down there on Saturday afternoons to hang with Jay, who was always wise-cracking and always good for a real laugh. (Sidenote: I learned from hanging at Kenny's with Jay on Saturdays that Chinese are terribly addicted gamblers. Waiters and deliverymen from the restaurant next door would stop in on Saturday afternoons, look at the TV screens (which always had ESPN on), then storm out cursing in Mandarin (or was it Cantonese?). ) But as I usually would refrain from getting liquored up on a Saturday afternoon, Porno would get good and sloshed....which would be fine, were it not for the fact that he'd act like an idiot and say something fresh to one of the patrons. After putting up with this for a few years Jay finally cut him off. But it's not as if Porno didn't stop trying to get back into Jay's good graces. One of the last conversations Jay had with Porno went like this:

Jay: Kennys...

Porno: Jay, it's me.

Jay: Hey, what's going on [recognizing Porno's voice immediately].

Porno: I wanted to come down and watch some football.

Jay: Okay...but no drinking.

Porno: Why?

Jay: Eh.....it's just better that way.

Porno: Awwww....c'mon....why?

Jay: It's just better that way.

CLICK![Porno slams phone down. Dial tone ensues.]


Later that afternoon, the phone rings....

Jay: Kenny's....

Porno Boy: You're dead to me. [CLICK!]