More Porno Boy Stories

Alluded to in the last post was the fact that Porno Boy essentially got himself excommunicated from my erstwhile circle of friends. (Erstwhile due to the fact that almost all have gotten married and moved out of the city, or have gone in a different direction life-wise, but I digress...) The reasons for his excommunication will become apparent shortly. This next story involves all the elements of Porno Boy's execrable traits: drug taking, alcohol intake, racism, and an abject lack of accountability for all of them.

It was St. Patrick's Day, approximately ten years ago. Everyone was smashed (natch). Five or six of us, all young Wall Street types, go to El Dorko's (not his real name) apartment on 5th Ave. and 9th St. to party a bit more. On the elevator ride up, two young Asian fellows get in with us. Porno Boy, in his best (unintented) Archie Bunker-like manner, proceeds to commence on the following verbal attack on them. It went something like this:

Porno-Boy: Youse chinks...you come to our country, you take our jobs....(etc...etc...)

During this entire malignant diatribe of his, all of us kept on trying to shut him up and implored him to cool it with the racist language. His response? "What!?!? What are you on their side!?! (Which prompted one of our group to sardonically exclaim, "Wow...I had no idea there was a race war going on, Porno....") The two Asian fellows, both in suit and tie, just stood there taking it. They were in shock, but I'm sure the reasons for their failure to respond in kind was due to the numerical disadvantage. Probably a wise choice on their part, though the chances of them popping Porno in the mouth and any one of us rushing to his aid were pretty much nil. But they didn't know that. About a half hour later at El Dorko's apartment there's a tap at the door. Lo and behold, two policemen, with the two Asian fellows behind them, all of them with scowls on their faces. To make matters worse, one of these officers was Asian. To make matters even more precarious, there were illegal substances in the apartment, and they were in plain view. Intoxicated though we all were, we all had the presence of mind to stream out of the apartment and shut the door to the apartment before the cops saw the green and white piles of, er, substances. The conversation between Porno and the cops went something like this:

Cop: Who's the guy who said racist comments to these gentlemen?

All Of Us: Tell 'em, Porno [or something to that effect]

[Porno steps up to take his medicine.]

Cop: You know I could book you for a hate crime right now? I'm half-Asian too, pal. So what do you have to say for yourself?

Porno: [Speaking in the direction of the two Asian fellows] Wha?!? C'mon guy, I was just kidding around....you don't have to take things so seriously....

Cop: Buddy, if I have to come up here again, or get anymore complaints about you from anyone else, I'm booking you. Understand? I work in this precinct. I'll personally find you. Got it?

Porno: Yeah...but I was just kidding around...jeez....

After all of this was resolved in the hallway, Porno took a lot of crap for the rest of the night. His normal response was something like, "F*ck youse, youse chink-lovers...." But that was nothing compared to what Porno wound up doing to El Dorko, the guy who lived the building where the event occurred.

The next day after the incident, El Dorko went down to the apartment where these two fellows lived, and apologized profusely. He explained that Porno wasn't his friend, but a friend of his friend (true), and he in no way condoned what was said to them. The two fellows accepted his apology...or so he thought. For the next few days after the incident, El Dorko kept on getting weird looks from his neighbors in the building, if not outright dirty ones. People who normally would make small talk with him in the elevator refused to even acknowledge him. Eventually, one of his neighbors told him that the two guys in the elevator had made a flyer and slipped it under everyone's door in the building, cleverly refraining from putting one under El Dorko's door. The flyer said something like, "El Dorko, the occupant of apartment 605 is a racist!" The rest of the flyer proceeded to recount the whole incident, only it painted El Dorko as the perpetrator. Needless to say, El Dorko wasn't very pleased that his good name had been defiled by Porno, in his building no less. When Porno was told of what had happened to El Dorko, his response was this: "Wow....that El Dorko's a racist, eh!"

True story.